I never thought I would marry. My parents divorced when I was young, and though I was never truly aware during the events that led to their parting, I was and still am deeply affected by them. As I got older, my skepticism towards committed relationships grew all the more, and the consequences were apparent even in my high school dating relationships (those poor boys!). If you know me now, you'd never think that I was someone that hated love, but I kind of did. I didn't know how to make sense of the fact that some folks who committed to one another could celebrate their 60th anniversary in the most genuine fashion, while others that made those same exchange of vows could not only think but act upon the thought of, "I no longer want this person as a part of my life." You're probably wondering why you're reading a post by me written on a website called When We Wed. Ha! The joke is not on you, my friend. In fact, I often laugh at myself for being incredibly against the thought of real love and then getting completely consumed in it (and eventually marry at 22).
My senior year of college, my dearest friend, and now husband, gave me a gift that he probably doesn't even know how much I've cherished. He challenged me to ask the hard questions and dive into finding the answers. I watched him give fully of himself to the questions in his life, no matter how difficult or unfamiliar the process. As we started dating, I realized how judgmental I had become against love. To be frank, I thought it was fake, all a hoax or just a show. I remember seeing pictures of couples that seemed so happy, and I immediately scoffed in my mind as if I could understand their relationship and measure the depth and authenticity of it (yes, full disclosure here on how salty I was).
Looking back now I can see that my judgments were poorly made. I had asked myself a question that I was too afraid to understand and spent most of my time drawing conclusions from afar. When I started thinking about Christopher as not only a friend but someone I could journey through life with, it didn’t suddenly rid me of my doubts and send me through the fields to gather wild flowers for our soon-to-be backyard wedding. It was tough. I cried a lot. I pushed him away. I wanted to prove him and everyone else that relationships suck and only lead to pain. Even now, I don't have the answer to the question I shared earlier, but I have a very different perspective on the process of togetherness. Marriage has been the most humbling experience for me, as it has confronted so many painful questions I’ve carried for most of my life. My hope is that as I continue on this journey, it’s not clouded by sole skepticism or romanticized ideals. Marriage doesn't come without it's challenges and I hope this project evokes questions and honest conversations more than answers.